I’m Kissing AND Telling…MUAHAHAHA


Oh dear lord, how long has it been since I actually used this goddamn thing? Oh wait, not that long. Just few days ago. Hmmm, who tricked me into blogging?! Oh yes it was Janet, otherwise known as the Carebear of Debauchery. Yes that is her official title. No, she has no problem with it. Yes, she wears it with pride. (rubbing temples) Okay what was my point here?

(snaps fingers) Feck…I thought I had it and…ah there it goes! I’ve been writing! (jazz hands) Not impressed? Yeah, me either. Its kind of my job and everything you know? Blah, blah, blah. To produce interesting hilarious shizz for the masses and watch them enjoy the hotness and joy that I bring when I allow my fingertips to tickle the ivor–er–keyboard. So here I am again, my muse in full play and bringing me some of my best work yet.
Grand isn’t it? I think so. (rubbing hands together) My recent project? Oh just an extremely gorgeous, alpha, cranky Samoan fireman with lots of cocky. See what I did there? (eyebrow waggle) Oh c’mon! That was gold people! GOLD!!! (sigh) Whatevs. Said fireman was one of my most beloved of characters from my newest work “Kiss and Tell.” Why you ask? Because he’s insane! Insanity and I blend well. Very well. Should I be admitting that? No, no, probably not. I don’t want to be committed…they tried…once. Stop judging me!
Okay, the thing is I’m taking a page out of the book of the great Billy London, mainly because she’s awesome at what she does as are many of the writers I know but Billy has the special brand of zaney humor that leaves me wide eyed and highly amused. Kind of like when I set flame to something. Yeah, once again, that’s probably something I shouldn’t admit. Anyways! Billy did something I found amazing. She interviewed one of her male leads and it was, needless to say, hilarious as shit. After I read it, Maikao Iona–my fireman–started bugging me to give him a chance to speak publicly about the tribulations of being in love with your bestfriend. Now mind you, his story is finished and in the process of edits therefore this interview will give you a quick glimpse of my favorite man thus far.

Ah, yes, before I introduce you to him I’d like you to direct your attention to this link here just for a moment–http://sobillysaysshesays.blogspot.com/2011/11/interview-with-zombie.html–because when I was younger my mother used to recite this verse from the bible that basically said “Give honor where honor is due.” Or was that out of a self help novel? Maybe a cookbook? (shrug) I dunno. I said stop judging me! Once again, back to the point that I keep losing. That link up top (gestures to it) Is what will take you to Billy’s blog and her interview with Novak the Zombie for your viewing pleasure. No, no, don’t click it yet! Wait until I’m done holding your attention with adorable anecdotes. And here we go:

NW: This is how this interview is going to go Mak. You will answer what I ask you, in a manner that is respectful and attractive. At no point shall my panties be mentioned in this.
MI: But–
NW: What did I say? Want me to write you in a short where Addison gets the urge to fulfill those long time threats of kicking you in the–
MI: (winces) No, no, lets not do that.
NW: (nods) Good. Now lets get started shall we?
MI: (eyeing me) Like I have a choice…
NW: What was that?
MI: (innocent blink) Nothing.
NW: (smirk) How about you tell everyone a little about yourself?
MI: Are we talking about the Mak that you created before I fucked Addie in the elevator or…
NW: Maikao!
MI: What?! It was a serious question! I sincerely want to know if you think the people should be aware of who I was before.
NW: (growl) Talk to them about who you were before you and Addie made love–
MI: (chuckle) Oh no, we fucked. You made us fuck. Admit it.
NW: I am two seconds off you having a tragic accident that leaves you a eunuch and Addison looking for another love.
MI: (snort) As if she could…
NW: Maikao…
MI: (sigh) Alright, alright (eye roll) I was what you love to refer to as a “man-whore.” I enjoyed my fair share of the opposite sex and then one night this zaney, adorable little woman with her ass hanging halfway out of her gown because of an unfortunate incident that we still don’t know the origin of, came along. (small smile) I was lost. I started to make a move on her then I realized I couldn’t. Not because she kind of scared me–although she did–but because she wasn’t like the others. She was my friend before I knew it. I loved her laugh and her smile and her intellect. She had a way about her that excited me and frightened me. I didn’t have a goddamn clue what to do when she decided she wanted to start dating the man who’s like a brother to me.
NW: Did you know you were in love then?
MI: (shakes head) I had no idea. I just understood that whenever I was near her, she made me feel…
NW: Right?
MI: Yes. (nod) And horny…really horny…
NW: My God man can you just keep the sexual details to yourself?
MI: It’s your fault! You wrote me to bleed machismo. (brow waggle) Allow the people to enjoy it.
NW: What you bleed is assholery.
MI: (pout) That’s not nice.
NW: Neither is what I’m going to do to you if you don’t straighten up.
MI: (lip twitch) Why Nikki, are you flirting with me? Because it feels like you’re flirting with me.
NW: Oh dear lord…
MI: I mean I’m flattered but my wife–the one you wrote who’s constantly threatening my balls–may take issue with that.
NW: And this conversation is over…
MI: Wait! Let me tell them about the rabbit!
NW: (points to door) Get out Mak.
MI: But…but…
NW: I made you a fireman right?
MI: (nod) Correct.
NW: Do you know what my nickname is among my fellow authors?
MI: (brow raise)
NW: (whispers) The Pyro.
MI: (stands) And I’ll just be saying good-bye now.
NW: Oh but Mak, I thought you had more to say?
MI: (heading for door) No, no, it’s fine.
NW: You’ll be back at some point right? (big grin) Or at least you’ll send Eli?
MI: (snort) That asshole doesn’t know how to entertain the way I do.
NW: (smirk) That’s not the opinion Addison had at one point now was it?
MI: (frown) Low blow Nikki, low blow.
NW: (chuckle) Sorry, I couldn’t help it.
MI: (shakes head) No. Too late. I’m gone. I’ll speak to you again when you learn how to not damage my poor wounded heart. (mock sniff) I’m going home to my wife…for some therapy…and snuggling…and dirty stuff brought on by the snuggling…
NW: (still laughing as the door slams)

And there it is folks. Maikao “Mak” Iona. He along with the love of his life will be making their literary debut soon enough. There was naughty jokes and funny innuendos along with the threats of important bits and plenty of steamy scenes to keep you right on the edge of your seat and wanting more. If that glimpse of the funny Fireman wasn’t enough for you, just stay tuned because despite what he says, he’ll be back. And he’s bringing a few friends with him…

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